There is no pride in prejudice

"Raus mit Euch, ihr bloeden Tuerken, ihr Schweinasylanten" screamed he, his bald head getting ever so red with anger as he stomped his boot on the ground hoping to intimidate us. Yes, he wanted us out.
Today his target were two innocent girls, who just happened to sit on a bench at recess and look. Not at him. Look foreign. Something he obviously took great issue with. And he was going to let those girls know that this was the land of his ancestors and he had no desire to share it with some nasty immigrant pigs, who came here illegally.
I had endured a lot of superior treatment until that day, but on that day I decided I had had enough, be he a bully, who was barking orders at me, hoping I would either disappear or try to get on my knees and somehow be guilted into asking for forgiveness for a crime I supposedly committed.
I looked him straight in the eye and in the purest most eloquent German accent told him: "Wir sind Studenten, keine Asylanten. Wir sind hier um zu studieren."  He looked at me almost in shock that out of this little lady with long black hair and non-Arian facial features would come such a strong response, but also an impeccable German accent.
This happened years ago in Germany to me personally, but I have since felt the sting of intolerance and prejudice in America as well. While not so strong, I get chills every time people talk about taking their country back. I see that big Neo-Nazi bully in my face. And he gets increasingly bigger and fiercer, the more a society entertains prejudice and intolerance. He feeds on injustice and inequality.

renaissance

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.” ~ Alan Cohen

I'm confused by what I am feeling and witnessing myself become...and scared. at least on some level.  I've always had a very good head on my shoulders and feet planted deeply into the ground. but I admit: I am now confused, more confused than I have ever been. and on so many levels.
Some people would call it a crisis of faith. It is not. If anything it is an overall eureka moment, a renaissance of the heart, mind and soul. It is almost rebellious, revolutionary in nature, the feeling that I experience. Mind you, I have never been one to be told how or what to think. I have always reserved that right exclusively to myself. But recently, this has taken a life of its own.
I've started blogging, returned to my long-lost love of writing poetry, managed to find the will to reclaim the body of my youth and lost forty pounds in the process... I guess, in the eve of turning thirty three, I must have found my voice, my identity. While still on an ongoing odyssey to enlightenment, my new persona is taking shape. This is not happening without sacrifice or some disapproval being voiced. The old does not like the new.
But I have found myself in the midst of this. and I like what I see...

The hope that changed...

You probably already know what  I will be blogging about, just by looking at the title. Or perhaps you won't. Today, I will talk about my feeling on what seems to be an ever-changing President of these United States. I am looking at this purely from a psychological perspective, leaving politics and what little I understand of its machinery, aside. I will shortly walk you through my perception and feelings toward what I have seen over the past three years. I have seen a man, who has started out running as a fired up Democrat in 2007, who was elected by a landslide of enthusiastic supporters, young, old, middle-aged, who believed in his message of hope and change. Then I watched him settle into life at the White House, or what I like to call "the bubble" and seen his enthusiasm and passion die, except for those interminable speeches, which he so enjoyed giving. That kept me fired up for a while, almost like an adrenaline injection, I would awake from my slumber and be excited, for even a short while. He seemed to do extraordinarily well in times of great crisis, of great humanitarian distress. There was a very well crafted speech  awaiting an audience of mourners, or families of fallen soldiers, of factory workers who had lost their jobs... I wonder if that is what he meant by hope. Being there for people in times of crisis. But that is not what I had in mind when I voted for him. Seems we have been in one continuous crisis since the man was elected in 2008. Then, after the great defeat of the Democrats of 2010, I have seen him change his strategy and move to the middle, in an effort to attract the folks who elected him in 2008, the stay-at-home moms, the young college kids. So, suddenly, he wasn't Obama, the blue Democrat anymore. Now he was a moderate, who was talking about bringing people together in a bipartisan move. OK, I was still there watching remote in hand, my face becoming ever so droopy with disappointment over time. Was this the same man I was so excited about only two years ago? Had this love affair turned into a prolonged marriage that had gone sour, too quickly? Along with my enthusiasm, his polls had started to slide as well. Gas prices, along with food prices were creeping up. It seemed that the next time I saw him on television, he seemed wearier and greyer. And trying really hard to sell hope to a country that had changed. Along with him. Who had also changed. Repeatedly...

Why I am a moderate

• Because I will not be confined to a box, not ideologically, not physically, or spiritually.
• Because I will not allow anyone to define my views on issues, I will do so on my own. I will always vote my conscience, independently of what anyone tells me I should think.
• Because I will not wear a "star" and carry anyone's label.
• Because I believe that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and by that I mean that the greater needs of a society outweigh my loyalty to presidents or political  figures.
• Because my heart is always on the side of the people.
• Because I trust my god-given intellect and gut-feeling enough to make my decisions based on my own judgment.
• Because I never have nor will I ever believe in crowd or mob mentality. If I have to, I will stand alone, but on my principles.
• Because I don't take anything at face value. I make a special effort to investigate and find the truth.

This is why I am an independent, a thinker, a voter and above all, an American.

THIS is America?

"Give me your poor, your tired, your hungry"  reads an inscription on a tablet found on the Statue of Liberty. An American symbol of independence, strength, toughness and survival in the face of adversity.
Only, those words don't ring much true to me on a day like today. When I woke up to read a headline that shocked me, more than anything, by the simplicity of its reporting such grave, serious news. A middle aged man with no health insurance had allegedly robbed a bank, in a very courteous manner, mind you for the grand amount of , wait for it: one American dollar! Yes, you've read it right. One dollar. He then proceeded to take a seat to the side and patiently wait the arrival of the authorities, which later booked him and sent him to jail. So, now you're thinking, yeah, so where's she going with this? Well, here's the catch. Turns out the man had orchestrated this entire "robbery" attempt in an effort to get to jail in order to receive free government subsidized healthcare. Now it's starting to get interesting, no? He was forced to resort to doing the unthinkable out of desperation, because his dear country and those who are at the helm of it, haven't figured out a way for an average, middle American to have access to the most basic of human rights: healthcare. Reading this opened up an avalanche of the rawest emotions within me. I felt an outcry for justice from the depth of my soul rising up inside me. I was angry, I was hurt,  and I could feel this heavy cloud of injustice hovering over millions of my fellow Americans. What this man did was deeply symbolic. And so deeply moving...I am very sad to report that as long as America does not find a way to provide healthcare access to all if its people, be they rich, poor, black or white or from any other walks of life, we will only be a civilized society on paper. For now, and until things change drastically, consider the words on  those documents the Founding Fathers signed invaluable. This is not my America. Nor should it be yours.

Things I've learned continued...

Don't be anybody's second choice. Not on a sports team and definitely not in love

If you love someone, tell them. Even if they don't return your feelings, it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. And you wouldn't want to walk around for the rest of your life carrying the burden of regret. What if there actually is a chance that that person loves you back, even a little?

Tell your kids you love them and they're the very best. It's a self fulfilling prophecy and in times of trouble they will remember and draw strength from there.

When feeling down and depressed, go for a brisk walk or a run, if you can. It will liberate you from oppressive thoughts and you might enjoy great exercise benefits, while doing it

It's okay to cry. Tears cleanse the soul. Don't hold it back. Cry on the street, in the supermarket, at the beach if you must. Remember to wear shades..;)

Dance, jump, run. Release your negative energy through a sport.

Do not change your ideals and lower your standards to fit anybody's agenda. If it doesn't satisfy your needs long term, don't do it. Or there will be regrets and resentments.

Don't let anything in life tie you down. Feel free to walk away. Be free.

Forgive. You're doing your heart, mind and soul a great favor.

Drink tea.

Know that you are of immense value, even if most times your value or contribution are being downplayed.   

Things I've learned

This is an ongoing list of things I have learned in the course of my daily life, lessons taken from a variety of experiences. Life, as seen through my eyes...

1. I have learned that just because people say  "I love you" doesn't mean that they actually do, nor do they want to know your life's story

2. One's religion is private and sacred. And nobody should ask any questions and push their own views and experiences on another person. It is not only rude and condescending, but disrespectful toward that human being and whatever they may experience in their unique way.

3. I've learned not to trust people, no matter how awful that might sound.

4. I've learned not to build my hopes and dreams on anyone but myself and my own abilities.

5. I've learned that unicorns and fairies are not real, no matter how much we wish them to be. At least, if you believe in them, keep them hidden in a very sacred place in your soul.

6. There is no such thing as a handsome prince on a white horse coming to rescue you.  Stop waiting for him. The sooner you understand that, the better your life will be.

7. I've learned that there are so many different kinds of smiles, some more sincere than others.

8. Some people don't have to say anything, but you feel their love from across the oceans.

9. My kids are my everything, but there is a life to be lived outside of being a mother or a wife. I have found my way as a writer and an artist.

This is an ongoing list. of pearls of wisdom that I accumulate on a daily, hourly basis....

A psalm

 i call out to you, yet you have forsaken me my lord
and while I lay here in the midst of waters my soul cries out to you

where are you king of the universe 
do you hear my cry 
do you? 

am I blind because I can't see you? am I suffering the punishment of deserting you.? 
Are you a friend? My friend...? 

why would you care about a grain of sand?  My passing, my insignificance? My journey through this tunnel we call life. What is the reason?

though I walk in darkness, I am here
Waiting for you...
 Surround me with your presence. Shine your light upon me... Hold me...Love me. 

journey

a soul fragmented asking for direction

 lifting my teary eyes toward the universe

my tired hands point to a distant place

 not yet known to me

while my lids are closed, the universe unfolds within me

my mind crosses oceans and fields...

a land not yet known

is awaiting me

on my tireless journey

to yet again

another destination

a figment only of mosaic are

my dreams, my wants

a frozen flame, not yet alive

is burning deep within me

perhaps a memory of something

that hasn't happened

yet

I am only a thought in my Makers' mind...

some thoughts

Perhaps I am too sensitive. Perhaps, as they say, my skin is too thin. It very well may be true. But that is how I was raised. I was raised to offer my utmost respect and expect, if not in equal measure, but some of it in return. Even toward people I disagree with. I was raised to let people finish their thoughts and sentences and only respnd if I was called upon. Perhaps that is my European upbringing. What I saw today at the Congressman Weiner conference has shocked  and upset me. Yes, the guy has problems of some sort or another, but to heckle him the way those "journalists" did, was uncalled for. I used to believe in journalism as a most noble and intellectual profession. That was until I moved to America and tasted of the bitter fruits of pack journalism, only enhanced by the rise of social media. Let's just say, I am really disappointed.

Is this it?

"The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy:..." The Myth of Sisyphus

Today I shall ask a question, one, many times I ignore or I am too afraid to ask: is this it? is this all there is? While dealing with an avalanche of thoughts, feelings and sifting through my daily fears, almost prioritizing them into a can't ignore-must ignore category, I am overcome by powerful, almost scary emotions. Is there more? How? Where? or sadly, is this it? At thirty-two years old, when only the sky should be your limit, I feel stuck. Yes, I have two wonderful, intelligent children and a great husband, but where am I, what has become of me and my dreams? Have I been lost? Has my life and hard-earned academic studies just dissipated into nothingness? Have my decisions been selfless, while looking for everyone else's happiness. Have I sacrificed too much?... Logic and conscience dictate that I should be happy with all the blessings I have received, as not to upset God or some divine power. and thankful because as my parents say, you have all these things, while other people have nothing. True... But I am not. I am on a constant, restless journey of the mind and soul, perhaps chasing the eternal carrot, the utopian grass-is-greener-on-the-other side place. the unfindable...and I write this with tears in my eyes.

death by picture

This past week, or couple of weeks have been an unnerving reminder of not only the dangers of social media and overexposure on the Internet, but also of the fickle human nature. I was both shocked, disappointed, disillusioned by the events involving Congressman Weiner and also by the impact this story has had on an entire political arena. What struck me most, was the uncanny reminder of the society as a mob, the reversion to old Roman days when by a single point of the finger the word of a gladiator would either be spared or come crashing down on him. It would either be life or death. Well, we have not come very far from those barbaric days. Human nature has not evolved past basic barbarism of primal, instinctual behavior. Not on either side of society. The accused was pummelled with stones by a sanctimoniously, righteous society, which is eternally looking for the next victim, the next headline. Now, in no way do I excuse Congressman Weiner's pervers behavior. But, I also acknowledge that more people in high power have probably been guilty of the same sin, if they had only been found out. Think about it.

Under the spell of the mighty volcano

Still and always dreaming of the Big Island, my love. There is a special shrine with its name in my heart. Love, love, love that place... A place where you feel the lava pulsating through the land's veins, birthing new land into the sea. I have never ever felt more alive and in sacred communion with nature than while I spent time on the Big Island of Hawai'i recently. It beckons one's innermost soul, it awakens every cell of one's being. I remember leaning on the edge of the volcano, closing my eyes, and breathing in pure life, a palpable life, and experiencing a cathartic, almost transcendental feeling as I approached the crater of the mighty volcano, as I walked through along the Crater Rim, watching hot steam escaping through steam vents, only hinting at the powerful force that coarsed only feet beneath me...I bent down and touched the earth and could feel its rumble, its heat, it power, while the air outside was frigid. It was alive. And it welcomed me to partake in its majesty.